I've had the pleasure of finally upgrading my laptop, and with it, my editing software. It made me think back to when I first started making videos for YouTube - back when I had nothing much to work with. I had a crappy phone camera, lived in a dark and dingy place with little privacy, and practicing was a practical impossibility, which ruled out making my channel music related. I remember the day I made my first video - a dark snow covered winter day, on which I had no heating. My attempt at a coal fire was Dickensian at best, and without tangible result. I was without a clue or concept, shivering in a dark room with broken lighting, smiling bravely into the camera, hoping I wasn't disturbing the aggressively passive aggressive noise-of-any-kind-hating neighbour. My circumstances made it impossible to be authentic, which made it a doomed enterprise to begin with. But I learned a lot.

Some years seem to have no other value. I find it hard looking back at my past life, and past versions of myself; how nothing ever followed a linear route, and just how many times I was thrown off track. But there's been upgrade after upgrade, and I know I tried to do the best I could with each version. I feel relieved to be where I am now. On the outside it looks like I haven't achieved much. I've spent about half my life already, with next to nothing obvious to account for. But I don't mind, because I know how hard I had to fight for where I am. 




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